FUNNY

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...
...searching...searching...still searching...
...sorry NO BRAIN found


How a man impresses a woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How a woman impresses a man: Show up naked with beer.


If asked to choose between two evils: "money" and "women"
choose the lesser evil "money"
even though it will attract the greater evil


Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart
is through his stomach is aiming just a bit too high.


Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked to
but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!!


A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone


Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.


A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!


Beer is proof that God loves us
and wants us to be happy.


I'm sure you were born in this world as a cute baby.
Now that you're a grownup,
I have one question..... What happened?


Love is a name, Sex is a game.
Forget the name and lets play that game!


You think I'm nice, I think you're nice.
You think I'm kind, I think you're kind.
You think I can be trusted, I think you can.
You think I'm cute, and I think you're right.


Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.


FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching...
...still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.


A man commented to his lunch companion:
"My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire."
"You're lucky," sighed the companion.
"My wife dreams that in the daytime."


Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!


I went to ur house justnow -
can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* -
pls take sign down next time ok!


If I were to make a dictionary:
CUTE=you; SWEET=you; THOUGHTFUL=you;
GOOD LOOKING=you; GORGEOUS=you; LIAR=me!


When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck,
When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number....


plz try 2 understand n dont disturb me more.
Leave me alone!
Last night i did not sleep thinking of you.
So dont play with my life.
Jane says 2 mosquito


This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful.
We have obviously sent it to the wrong number.
We are truly sorry for the inconvenience.


At this moment 3.7 million are sleeping,
2.3 million are falling in love,
4.1 million are eating
and only 1 fool in the whole world is reading this text.


Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.'
Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'


Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.


When somebody who's deeply in love with you
tells you that you're cute, beautiful, and angelic,
I agree.
That's true, believe me, I swear. Cause love is blind!


Someday you may lose your hair, your money and even lose your mind.
But one thing you will never lose - your good looks,
coz you can never lose what you don't have!


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!


My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.


I'm afraid to die
not because it will hurt or I don't know what will happen,
but because I might be waiting for you in Heaven and be disappointed.


What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!


Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?


U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...
U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body
....sh*t...I got wrong number...SORRY


If you are alone, I'll be your shadow.
If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder.
If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow.
If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile.
If you need money, wait for your salary.


Playboy, speaking to a girl:
"I want you to know that I value our relationship very much.
In fact, I find you as my most favorite girlfriend."


Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin
'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'


Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"


On the cellphone pad of life,
always keep one finger on the disconnect key.


Always Remember
Money isnt everything!
But make sure you have made enough of it before talking such nonsense
-Bill Gates-


Newsflash: Police are looking for a suspect
who's smart, sexy, witty and very gorgeous.
They've already eliminated you from the list of suspects.
Where do you think I should hide?


What do you do when you see an extremely cute person?
I stare at the person and smile,
but when I get tired, I just put the mirror down.